New Hymns

We need a new hymn. One that does what it should. One that doesn't make you feel too bad--one that doesn't make you feel too good. Hymns for everyone, especially for readers of this blog. So here we go:

• All God's Critters Got A Place In The Choir. So you've no excuse not to sing, dammit.


• Oh Lord It's Hard To Be Humble. Because God needs a wake up call.


• Mercedes Benz". "cause really, that's what church is all about.


• God's Song. God, I'd love to hear my old church belt this one out.


• Dear God. Let's not exclude the atheists. God love ya!


• Red Rain. Hell, I don't know what it's about, either, so perhaps it's hymn in code.

The Satanic Blog Post

I'm trying to learn about Islam, which I may have mentioned earlier (I dunno--I should actually read back my posts. ANYWAY)Muslims are the new enemies of America, apparantly, just as the Commies were. The Commies were inhuman, remember? Well, as we were wrong then, I've got a feeling non-Muslims are wrong about Muslims. I've got a funny feeling they are human beings, too. Heck, I think even Arabian horses are Muslim. And Arabians are just too pretty to hate. Heck, there's more Arabians in America than in all of the Arabian Penninsula.

So every now and then I try to learn about Muhommed, the guy who started all the fuss. My apologies if I'm not spelling his name right-I've found several "correct" spellings.

I've discovered Muhommed lived in an era of warlords, heard transmissions from space and talked a lot about honor.

Then it hit me....

Muhommed was a Klingon!

Now the Federation and the Klingons became allies in the Star Tek Universe--and they were literally worlds apart. Klingons are cool. A little intense, but cool. You want a Klingon on your side. So why can't non-Muslims get it together with Muslims? All those at the UN and in politics should watch Star Trek. That'll take care of it. Then we can all become allies in time to fight global warming, but maybe that's just not logical enough for us.

My So-Called Past Life

That's the big question, isn't it? What happens to us after we die? I do believe in reincarnation--but I don't believe in it too much. Recycling seems to be a universal component (along with hydrogen & stupidity, according to Einstein). The beginning of this universe, the legendary Big Band was, according to my theory, what happened when the Old Band of the first universe tried to do a cover version of Peter Gabriel. The fact that Peter didn't exist yet, let alone write his music, created that point of non-logical singularity that made the Old Universe Big Band go kerflooey.

(See what happens when I go through caffine withdraw? Blame the green tea!)

Everything gets recycled--what goes around comes around. It's all the same energy in different forms. The universe was created just so the Old Universe Big Band could explode. Simple concept. Work it out.

So souls are recylced. And in my previous life I am absolutely convinced that I used to be a hamster who spent a lot of time running on that little wheel.

But I don't let the knowledge of my past hamsterism rule my current life. Although I've been known to stuff my cheeks pouches on occassion, I'm not into seeds. However, if we all were at least as nice as a hamster, or at least as photogenic, the universe would be a much cuter place.

Gotta Cut Back On the Caffiene

Last night, while trying to read a Carlos Casteneda book (I've read two now and don't understand a damn word) I had a sudden illumination into what the soul is:

A book.

But here's the deal--the book is the universe, and everyone (animal, vegatable or mineral)gets to write one line of the book of your soul. Everyone is then connected--like stars in the galaxy, like drops of water in the ocean--yet everyone effects what you do and you effect what everyone else does. There is only one soul, then, but we are all cells in the great Excel spreadsheet of Infinity.

Then I had the illumination that this all just might be a load of crap, so I had a chamomile tea instead.

Om, Squat!

Does Deity exist? Although I respect all views, I think the answer is yes. Why? S/He just has a damn twisted sense of humor. (My blog-my rules: Proof of God/dess' exisience requires proof of taking the mickey with you)

I've trained my dog to pee or poo on command. She still does a good kangaroo imitaion, she doesn't come when called, but she will pee or poo within 2 minutes of the command:

"Gotta squat?"

My vet thinks this is nothing short of miraculous (especially when samples need to be taken). Yesterday, my pup was 22 months old. That's why I couldn't go online--too much puppy partying, which we do every month on the 13th, thank you. However, I have discovered that there is a Goddess known as Squat, Goddess of Parking Spaces. Well, the recitation of Her name sure helps Pony know where to park it.

Amazing things that can be realized looking at a dog's butt, especially if you're unemployed!

The Gospel According To Star Trek

Hey, Blogger's working. Time to post the previously promised essay about all the wisdom I've learned from Star Trek while growing up. We've already learned how to deal with a flasher (see 6/3/06 post down the page). More practical bits of wisdom:

• Whenever you're caught doing something stupid in public, grin and say, "I guess that wasn't exactly something that King Solomon would recommend."(from Captain Kirk in that episode about the planet of the criminally insane)


• Shakespeare will still be hot in the futre


• Mongrels are best


• Break the Prime Directive for a good cause


• Gods can die, or at least fade away, but they definately have no use for a starship


• "Logic is a beautiful flower which smells bad"

I've never actually read the book All I Needed To Know I Learned From Star Trek, so any similarities here is a not-so-remarkable coincidence.

Wanted: Satan

Well, now that Zarwhatshisface is dead, we need to find someone else to unite us all in hate. Learn how to hate correctly, as Bobcat Goldwaithe said. Think of it: Global Peace Thru Hate! Now we just need someone that all peoples can agree to hate, and it'll be a small world after all. May I put forth some suggestions?

• My ex (see previous posts)


• The Geico Gecko (Beezebub, eat your heart out)


• Super Cockroach. (Do you really want to click this link?)


• God/dess (After all, S/He started the whole damn mess!)

Murphy's Deism

Well, the world didn't end yesterday and I am disappointed. I was looking foreward to the show. Murphy's Law, ennit? (Or Sod's Law for the UK readers.)

When I realized Protestant Christianity wasn't for me, I devised what I called Murphy's Deism as the core part of my sprituality. I came up with the term in the late 1980's, but neglected to copyright it. Sod's law, ennit? Anyway, herein readesth the law:

"The world was put in motion by a Prime Mover Who laughs Its Arse off whenever something that can go wrong, does."

Dismissed. Next soddin' case tomorrer...

Apocolypse, Anyone?

Apparantly, the world is ending tomorrow (6/6/06) because those promoting the movie The Omen say so. People are buying it. Quite frankly, I'd love the world to end tomorrow--it saves me the trouble of trying to find a job. Of course, the Mark of the Beast is "666", not "6/6/06". Close enough, say the paranoid.

I tell you right now, the son of Satan is alive and disgustingly well in England, and has been so for over fifty years. Is it any coincidence that in the years he's been alive there has been AIDS, killer bees and pay toilets? I think not! He's my ex. Don't be fooled by the lack of a 666 mark on his head. He had it changed to look like 665.

A happier subject tomorrow...providing there IS one.

Plea to Those Writing About New Age

Can we all decide to change the name "New Age"? It's been around for what, 20 or 30 years now--that's at least 270 in dog years. In comparison to the age of the universe, I guess it is "new", but the average reader is a bit sick and tired of "New" Age. Even "Well, we're getting there" Age is probably more accurate, but a pain in the petutie to type.

Now, what falls under the heading "New Age" is all the leftover bits and pieces from every other religion or Fox-TV series...since dirt, really. It's in no way an organized religion. It's not even an organized strong hunch. Not all New Agers belive in Shirley McClaine, channeling and/or aliens trying to communicate through crop circles. Then again, not all New Agers like to be called New Age. I've been called everything under the sun, but I'm bored with the New Age label. If you're gonna label me, can I be the one to write the label?

Here are some new label suggestions:

• What's Old Is New Age


• Non-Sporting Group In the UK, it would be Non-Utlity Group.


• Leftovers


• Rena. Hey, it works for me!

For Friends Not There

And now, Gentle Readers, let us pause to light a candle and remember the somber passing of your friend and mine....

Star Trek.

Yes, it was on June 3rd, 1969 that the final episode of the classic Star Trek series, "Turnabout Intruder" aired. My brother's birthday is June 2. He was four or five years old in 1969. Coincidence?!?!?

All kidding aside, Star Trek remains one of the best teachers I've ever come across. It was, and still is, one of the few works of art that actually has hope for the human race. I learned far more about life, the universe and everything (sorry Douglas Adams, wherever you are)than I ever did at church.

Take the time I was followed in the woods by a flasher. I didn't want him following me home. Makes trying to put the kettle on quite awkward. He was almost half my age, and possibly much stronger than me. There was no one around to hear me scream if I had to do so. Did I turn the other cheek? Think posisitve thoughts? Call on my guardian angel? No, I said:

You may find that having a thing is not so pleasing as wanting it

His face fell, as did everything else, and he apologised to me, then left.

I walked home wondering how something so good popped out of my mouth. Then it hit me...

I'd been saved by Mr. Spock! It's more or less from the episode "Amok Time"(you know--the one where Spock goes into heat?)

...which was given to me when it came out on video as a present from my brother of the June 2 b-day. Coincidence?

More on the spiritual signifigance of Star Trek in future blog episodes...

Summer Reading List

Hello Gentle Readers:

Well, summer's here(not officially, but close enough)and it's time for dancin' in the streets...whoops, I mean, it's time for the Summer Reading List. You remeber your school sending out one every summer to spoil your vacation? No? Well, my school did it and I still have nightmares about it and if I have, so should everyone else. (It's my Blog...nyahhh).

This is the Official Perfect Blog Title Summer 2006 Reading List:

• The Truth About Witchcraft Todayby the late great Scott Cunningham. The shortest book on the list. Does what it says on the tin.(That's an in joke for all those in the UK).


• Anything by the Dalai Lama


• When Elephants Weepby Jeffery Masson. A look at spirituality is never complete without a look at how you look at animals.


• A History of God by Karen Armstrong. Some people climb Mt Everest, some read Karen Armstrong. The effects are similar. Extra credit book.


• The Wisdom of Big Bird(and the Dark Genius of Oscar The Grouch) by Caroll Spinney, who also illustrated it. Required reading from a man responsible for shaping the minds of my generation and possibly at least two more.

That should keep you busy.

Rice & Beans

I hate Anne Rice. Don't get me wrong, I hope she has a happy life and never gets audited by the IRS, but I want back all the hours I spent reading The Witching Hour. Nearly 1000 pages of itty bitty print and at the end I find it's the first in a series! So idiot me goes back to the library and snags the second book, Lasher, a mere 600 pages. Apparantly there's a third book, but I'm not going to bother.

1600 pages and not a damn thing happens. And yet I read all 1600 pages. I hate her. Why can't I be that brilliant? Her writing is hypnotic, like a LSD trip (don't ask me how I know), very very pretty but no plot to speak of.

Oh, you know who Anne Rice is. She's The Interview With A Vampire babe, remember? She recently wrote a wonderful novel with a plot based on the early life of Christ. It, too, is to be the start of a series. A series we already know the ending of, incidently.

And then, musing on Anne Rice and her dreamy plotless novels, I realized that's why I could never get into The Bible. I've read it all, cover to cover, in two versions and after finishing it for the first time I thought "That's it?"

I read it the second time to be sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't.

The whole Old Testament is apparantly to set up for the coming and going of Jesus. And quite frankly, Jesus is not that much of a due ex machina. No publisher in their right (or left) minds would publish the New Testament if, say, it were submitted today. No Jewish independence, no lawyers, no car chases. And Jesus is a bit of a wimp. Great storyteller, but who could understand Him? Miracle man, but only did a very small ammount of miracles to a very small corner of the earth. Hell, he could've invented pizza! Very few souls are saved when there's no pizza in the cards, let me tell you.Having the power of God and not trying to break into the movies? Not very realistic. And why are only people talked about? What about the animals? That's why I reject the New Testament as reading material--no cute dogs. Not even the donkey He rode to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday is given a name or a chance to save a diciple or two from drowning.

Maybe Anne Rice can spice it up a bit for me now. She knows beans about keeping interest...I just hope she sticks a cute dog in that's not murdered by the undead. And, come to think of it, would Jesus technically be a zombie?

And The Greatest of These Is Faith

Screw love. Love gets you in trouble, love makes you crazy, love lets you think you can change Satan's ways if he only had somone to love him. Love will always fail you.

It's faith that gets you through.

The manuscript I wrote & illustrated was about my faith. I'd dedicated the book to my first dog Rusty, who taught me that faith was stronger than hope or love. It took six years of struggle, outright plagerism and alot more blood than sweat. It was nearly finished, at a monstrous 800+ pages.

And then the only copy got burnt. "So much for faith in a Great Spirit," I thought. "Dogs are better than God."

I don't watch Oprah, but my Mom does. She said there was a dog on, so I had to watch. The dog that came on was named....

Faith.

The dog was wagging her tail most of the time. She sure played to the audience! And she was so happy.

So what's my excuse?

Dum-Dum-Vinci Code

Oh please, people. Here are five things better worth your time than arguing over a stupid movie:

1)A fair look at albinos

2)DaVinci had more on his mind than codes

3)See the light

4)Tom Hanks' Hair--A History

5)When it all gets too much.

Stunt Requests For David Blaine

David Blaine is one of the very few people who impress me, like the Dalai Lama, Gandhi or Peter Gabriel. Anybody who can pull a tooth out of someone's head and then spit it back in I sit up and take notice (and keep my mouth shut around). When I was living as a hermit in Bathwick, England I still heard all about his 44 day fast suspended in a Perspex box above London. (I could hear Gandhi say "Ahh, amateurs!") In case you happen to be a hermit off of the planet Earth, you probably heard about his latest stunt, Drowned Alive (which almost happened). Poor boy is probably convalescing, wondering what on earth he can do to top that.

Well, David, never fear! Here are some suggestions for guaranteed payoffs:

* Shoot my ex out of a cannon into the Grand Canyon. When he splatters, say "Ooops--that's show biz!"
* Find out exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.

*Find me a job...well, that would take a miracle, I guess

*Pull the teeth out the George Bush's head, make 'em disappear and then make them reappear in Dave's poo.

*Get my dog and my Mom's cat to stay in the same room without setting off the next world war.

*Get Hasidic Jews, Fundamental Christians and Osama Bin Laden-wanna bees together for a toga party. Hell, invite my dog and Mom's cat, too.

*Get a new roll of toilet paper going without shredding the stuff into tiny strips of useless fluff. Now that's magic!

(I also placed this article up on Bubblews)

Interview With a Lama

Today, I had an actual job interview for an assistant librarian. I read a bio of the Dalai Lama in order to calm down beforehand. Turns out, he had to interview for his job before he got it. He had to prove (at age 3) that he could pick out the personal items of his previous incarnation. Damn, and I thought being asked "Why are you seeking a part time position?" a tough question! At least I didn't have to root through a box of oldcoffee mugs and Bic pens trying to pick out which ones were used by my previous incarnation. (And if I could, and the mug said "I'd Rather Be Golfing" would I admidt it? Would I need the job that bad?)

That being said, they still got the right man for the job. When a teenager in the Summer Palace, he sneaked driving a car (as teenagers, His Holiness or no) are geneticly programmed to do. He smashed a headlight but repaired it before anyone noticed! Screw walking on water--how many times you need that in your life? A spiritual leader who can do DIY--now THAT I sit up and pay attention to. Namaste

WWSKD

Apparantly, while I've been living under a rock, there was a sucessful (ie-made a craploada moolah)campaign by Christians to teach their kids about what they believe Jesus would do in any situation (give to PBS, vote Republican, support the troops). It was called WWJD--What Would Jesus Do?

So, since I have a new guru, I ask this question to myself all the time--

What Would Stephen King Do?

And remember always how to spell GURU (gee you are you--unfortunately, I have my arsonist ex to thank for pointing that out to me. AAARRGGHHH!)

On On Writing

"There have been times when for me the act of writing has been a little act of faith, a spit in the eye of despair." --Stephen King, On Writing

Ah, my new guru, Stephen King. I just finished reading his best book ever, On Writing. The book is not so much of a how-to manual but a strong declairation of spirituality. There are loads of Golden Rules and Commandments like:

• "I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops" (p 125)
• "Plums diefy!" (p 121)
• "The dictum in writing classes used to be "write what you know." Which sounds good, but what if you want to write about...a man who murders his wife and then tries to dispose of her body in a wood-chipper?" (p 158)

Your spirituality is what makes you you. Being a writer is every bit as spiritual as a Buddhist monk. It's the core of you--what you think of yourself as.

Why should spirituality be limited to religion? There's no limits to the human spirit, so why limit spirituality?

I've always thought of myself as a writer. And, as you can probably predict, I don't have a damn thing published (as in for pay).Writing has become an act of worship for me.I know not why I do it, I just do it. It's elusive, mind-boggling and soul-shattering. And here I am with a blog, stumbling ever onwards.

I had an 800 page manuscript when I lived in England. I not only wrote it, I illustrated quite a bitof it with cutouts from magazines as well as my own drawings. There was only one copy. Since I lived as a hermit in the woods, it was kinda hard to plug a Xerox into a tree.

So my ex hired an arsonist to burn my home down, including the only copy of the manuscript. Not that anyone could prove it, although everyone in the area knew they did it. Not that I'm bitter...

ANYWAY I thought that'd be the last piece of writing from me. Why pour six years of yourself into a work of art only to have it turn to ash in fifteen minutes?But I still write. Why do I bother?

Because I am a writer, and like a martyr or Holy Grail Knight, you do it even though you fully well know it'll all be for nothing.

And you couldn't care less.

Forms & Emptiness

I'm researching Buddhism, founded by Buddha, or Bud, as I like to call him. So I'm reading a lot of the Dalai Lama, who quotes quite a bit from the Buddha, beleive it or not. Buddhism definately gets my brain out of its comfort zone. Then again, my brain doesn't really exist:

"Form is emptiness; emptiness is form. Form is not other than emptiness; emptiness is not other than form."
Bud

Since nothing is permenant, it doesn'r really exist in The Grand Scheme Of Things. Everything relies on everything else. Everything is therefore in harmony, as forms are the mirror halves of emptiness.

So, even you are not real.

That being said, I think both Bud and the Dalai Lama would encourage all Americans to get their tax forms in by Monday to prove their financial emptiness. At least that's one thing I really really know!