Monday, July 31, 2006

I Need Lotsa Prayer and Pizza

Greetings, faithful readers...both of you. I am coming to you today from a secret locale in the Philadelphia area, as my Mom's computer went crash, bang, wallop on Tuesday. The repairman is coming tonight. Please pray that the computer can be fixed, as I've told this computer's owners that I'm doing a jobsearch. The ruse is hard to carry out after a while. I'm going out of my tiny little mind. And to think I used to live electricity (and plumbing) free for over three years!

Hopefully, the blog will return to normal (whatever that is) tomorrow. Knock on wood. In the meantime, AOL today ponders the question: Does spirituality help you lose weight?" I can tell you right now


Not only does it not help with diets, but I could kill for a pizza.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Yet Another Sign of The Apocolypse...

...reality TV is now making shows about the religious life. Read it and then sprinkle your eyes with Holy Water. I shudder to think that those on the spiritual path have nothing better to do than watch the boob tube. And if so, why not The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy.Even Father Ted?

What's the point at looking at real life for religious and/or spiritual answers? Go to fiction. That's always been the inspiration for a good holy book. Why mess with our precious souls?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

God's Screensavers/Wallpaper/Backgrounds

I share this computer with my Mom--well, it's her computer, so I guess she lets me touch it. One of the conditions is that I can't change the screensaver. So, of course, I'm finding all these neat screensavers. I suppose God doesn't have this problem. Then I thought--what would God's screensaver be?

I realize that I'm probably referring to wallpaper and not screensavers, but "God's Wallpaper" wasn't as catchy a title. Besides, God can change wallpaper to screensavers, surely.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Unhinged Henge

Like any proper Pagan heart, mine beats stronger at the thought of Stonehenge. Quite impressive. Quite unfathomable. Quite heavy, man. I lived in southern England for over five years and never got the chance to visit Stonehenge. And yet I miss Stonehenge, even though I never actually physically BEEN there. It was just nice knowing it was nearby. I lived for years on the banks of the Avon river, which has her beginnings in Salisbury Plain. The military aircraft that would scream overhead at all hours were from Salisbury, which is near Stonehenge. SO why didn't I go to Stonehenge?

I thought of Stonehenge quite a bit today beacuse I went to the Grand Slam Job Fair held at Philly's ballpark. The highlight was having the Philly Phanatic kiss my hand. He didn't want my resume, though. While wading through the fair, (and in Philly's humidity WADING is how it feels)I thought of what Stonehenge may have been used for:

a Celtic job fair. Druids, Sacrificial victim union, stonemasons, brewers--they all needed employees, didn't they? As well as someone to sweep up afterwards. And someone to sell overpriced cider. And someone recruiting for the Avebury branch.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I'll Be Damned If I Know What Blogger's Doing

Pray, verily and prayeth again for the appearence of this blog to return to normal. Why the template seems broken, I dunno. First I lost my raven drawing avatar, now the posts are randomly appearing in the sidebar. My aplogies for the unwashed heathen look of this blog. Let us pray:
Our Blogger Who art in webspace, hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy NASDAQ come. Thy will be done, in blogs as well as in print.
Give us this day our daily posts, and forgive us our bad humor
as You forgive those who pun against You.
For Thine is the kingdom, the power, the glory and the blog

If that won't get me into hell, nothing will.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Fill In The Blank Poem

...sort of a touchy-feely version of Mad Libs. We had to do this in Stress Management class (don't ask). As managing stress is a reason why people need spirituality, I thought I'd share my twisted little creation. All words in italics are what they supplied and everything in regular type were the blanks I filled in. If you'd like, fill in the blanks yourselves and share the poem to the world...or, maybe, just the classmates in whatever Stress Management class you wind up in. Enjoy!

I am you and me.
I wonder what the point is & where the bathroom is.
I hear horses.
I see magic.
I want to win the Publishers Clearinghouse.
I am you and me.

I pretend I can write poetry.
I feel I can fly.
I touch streams of consciousness.
I worry that the ex will find me.
I cry when my dog cries.
I am you and me.

I understand nothing.
I say "Thank God/dess!"
I dream of Genie.
I try to keep silent and be thought of as a fool than to open my mouth and remove all doubts

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Some Good News For A Change

I don't know about you, but my nerves are shot, what with the world news and caffine.
So instead of sliding into paranoia, I keep reminding myself that not everybody is out to get me--only about 5 or 6 people. Then I look at some warm and fuzzy websites. Maybe they'll help you crawl out from unde the bedcovers, too:

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

In The Beginning Was The Word...

When I first heard this Bible verse, I was convinced God was a big old THE up in the sky. Later on, in the late 1970's, I thought grease was The Word. Then I thought The Word was probably just that--"The Word". God was a Word. The Word tended to be used in a more threatening manner than God. If you go against God, slap on the wrist. But if you went against God's WORD...well, better get ready to leave this lifetime. So what's more important--God or the Word 'God'?

(Now, What Would Stephen King Do?)

I think SK would pick the Word God rather than God His/Her/Itself. (I can blame Steve for that thought, then, if I say Steve would think it rather than myself. I get enough cranky email, thank you).

Words are more important than actual things, it seems. Think of all the fuss The Bible has caused....or ANY book for that matter. Would we have bothered if no one wrote the damn things down? Would we be happier? Would be having strange discussions about God/dess on the internet? Would we be all better off thick as a brick?

Nope. We need to think and craft and create universes all in our own meanings, our words. We crave sharing these unique views with others. We need the Word "God", for God would not exist without our words.

And you can take my word on it.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Jesus Saves Souls...and then redeems them for valuble cash prizes

The above was painted on the side of a white car in Lancaster, PA about 1994. The words were small and partially camoflaged by a couple of black racing stripes. Am I the only one who has seen this car? Or was I going into serious caffine withdrawl that day?

12 years later, I still have some burning unanswered questions about this car:
  • Did you paint it yourself?

  • How many people have noticed it?

  • Did it affect the cost of your insurance?

  • How much is a soul worth, anway?

These are the things I wonder about when I'm unemployed, trying to fall asleep when the dog farts.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Spirituality of Wingeing

Spirituality, as defined on this blog, is what makes you bother to keep on breathing. Spirituality, in my opinion, is the ultimate form of human art. Spiritualities can mean religion, science, accumulating stuff, tatooing horses--the usual pursuit of happiness crap.

For some spiritual die-hards, their spirituality is what I call the Zen of Wingeing. They don't think about it--they just do it. If a tree fell in the woods and no one was around to hear it, would anyone write a vitrolic book about modern Britian (Birmingham in particular)just so the tree would be thankful it was dead?

Although I hate the book (I couldn't make it past page 234, I admidt), Our Culture, What's Left of It--The Mandarins & The Masses by Theodore Dalrymple I couldn't help but be humbled by this advanced tapestry of disgust. It was sort of like watching a Nazi rally during Hitler's birthday--impressive, but chilling. Although I do despair at hearing about the latest man's inhumanity to man, I highly doubt the blame for it could be the fault of the printing of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterly's Lover. (Although the line about "the rounded buttocks twinkling" does make the eyes a bit sore).

The road to hell is paved by the British liberal intelligensia, and Dalrymple will save us. If you want a Holy Book on how to complain, this is it. (If you were looking to see what a Mandarin is, forget it). I lived in England for over five years. I never once met a member of the British liberal intelligensia. I never saw an ad for one at the Job Centre. I never saw 'liberal intelligensia' as a course offered in university. I never heard anyone say "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm from Bristol and I'm a member of the British Liberal Intelligensia." I never even saw a T-Shirt on a baby saying "Future Member of the British Liberal Intelligensia."

But the fact he got a book published and it wound up in a little library in a Philadelphia suburb deserves a little respect. So I did what any good Dalryimplian would do and used my blog to winge about it.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

We Need A New Virus

My Mom told me a story from the early days of PCs in the office. Somehow, they caught the Yahoo virus. Know what it did? (And I'd really love to hear from you if you do, 'cause I've a sneaking suspiscion my Mom made this up) Everywhere the CEO's name was, it substituted the word "Yahoo". That's all it did. It nearly made the entire firm sick with laughing for a week.

Thinking back on this, we need a new mental virus. Something rather innocuous, but just wacky enough to shift our way of everyday thinking. I think every time you say the word "God", substitute the word "Pony". (That's the name of my dog.)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Blog Manifesto

Now that this blog has been up for, what, 50 posts or so, I suppose it's high time I spell out what the point of this blog is (besides a cheap therapy).

So, ahem, The Perfect Blog Title Manifesto:

Well, now you know.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


I am my dog's familiar. I used to think she was my familiar, but that's because I'm a bit thick at times, being human and all. Are you familiar with what a familiar is? Are you sure?

She's the witch and I'm the familiar. She gets waited on hand and paw, I sure don't. She's happy and I'm freaking out. She sleeps soundly--I need Prozac. She's under the protection of the Goddess Hecate, and ol' Heckababe sure works overtime for my dog. When Pony (my dog) needed a 24-hour a day companion, I lost my job. When things got too dangerous for us in England, suddenly we could move to America. Pony likes it better in America than England, her native home!

She's got the magick touch--I've got the pooper scooper (acutally, a plastic bag with my hand inside it). I worship my dog. She's "awwww"some. Glory Be, Pony!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Battle of the Divine Sexes

After mating, the male honeybee dislodges his penis in the body of the lucky queen while the rest of his body explodes. Man, weren't you glad you decided to read this blog? Isn't it also nice to know what all ex-boyfriends reincarnate into? Om, Goddess!

Not to be outdone, the God also has a shot. See what happens to virgin female ferrets.

If only all battles were so funny...

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Zen & The Art of Blogging

Sorry for the gap in posting. I've been hammered by migraines (joy). I've got more than one computer screen in my feild of vision at the moment, and I know for a fact we have only one computer.


One of the other subjects I've been reading about is Zen Buddhism. I've been reading about it and dabbling with it since my Delaware County Community College days--and, damn, that place'll do it to you. (Note, no link--their website is horrible). But, of course, Zen is not for dabbling--it just is. I find a great comfort in that. The way of wisdom or a reason to smile in the face of adversity (at least) is within us all the time, not doled out if we kiss the right Ass. The current book in my hot little hands is A Western Approach to Zen by Christmas Humphreys.

Learning about other people's spiritualities and/or religions is my responsibility, or so the voices in my head keep telling me. I use the Zen principle, though, in actually absorbing them in my life. I try not to think about it, just move from one spirituality to another as the situation demands. What works for me sticks in my subconscious, and what doesn't get used as metaphorical dartboards.

My only problem with all this is:

What the hell kind of parents name their kid Christmas? Jimminey Crickets! No wonder he became Buddhist!