Heaven Help Us, Jeeves

Okay, Gentle Reader, time to get down to work, so buckle up and hang on to the bar. It's time to face an issue that's tearing an entire country apart. The issue deals with the preservation of the silent minority.

The issue is

foxhunting

Thought I was going to write the "a" word, eh? Nope. In England, where I lived from 2000-5, the issue of abortion has been done and dusted. No one wastes their breath on it. They save it instead to riot over foxhunting.

Yes, Tally-ho and all that. If you are in UK politics, your position on foxhunting is the first (and often ONLY) thing voters check. The Anti side says foxhunting is cruel and inhumane torture. The Pro side says "Listening to you lot is cruel and inhumane torture."

Actually, the foxhunting debate has nothing to do with foxes. Foxes are rarely killed in hunts, yet thousands are killed in traffic. No one protests to car drivers, though, 'cause no one wants to give up their cars. So why the violent, heated, police-in-full-riot-gear protests?

Because you need money to foxhunt. And live in the country. Lots more English are born. live ands die in town, primarily due to lack of money. So, yeah, it's about the only time the poor can tell the rich to shove it as they drive speeding cars, throw beer cans out the window and eat fried chicken.

I, of course, when on UK soil, would not open my mouth either way. As soon as "foxhunting" would be mentioned, I'd be outa the room by the second syllable. My advice for all non-English in England--just shut up and smile. If you rankle ANYONE it'll take more than a pack of hounds to find your mortal remains.

Sometimes I wish God would come down in a flame of glory during one of these pro and anti clashes and smack everyone on the head with a frying pan.

"PEOPLE! Can't you see you don't give a rip about foxes, fetuses or flag burning? You just want to get off telling someone else what to do! BLOODY 'ELL! That's MY job! Go get your own!"


But until that day, I'll just keep my mouth shut and smile. ;-)

Why I Don't Go To A Church

It's not that I haven't found the right church yet. It's that I firmly believe churches are irrelevant for worshipping God/dess.

In a church, coven, ashram or whatever, there's other people there worshipping, too. That's the big stumbling block. Other people can and will get in your way of trying to contemplate God. They might not mean to (HA!) but they eventually will. You get sensitive to their disapproval. You start worrying "What if they hear me fart?" And if there's a hint of disapproval about THAT, imagine how they'll disapprove of your spiritual opinions, for they (and only they) know How God Wants Believers To Smell.

There's always a pecking order in any groups of humans. We can't help it. We have to put things in a ranking order or our heads will explode.

People, buildings, rituals--they all get in the way of trying to get to know God/dess. By not worshipping with any other person, I get at least a glimpse of God, and then I can face people again. I can tolerate them better, because I can recognise that weird spark inside each one as a feather of God.

Top 10 Jobs I'd Like

10) Guinea pig shepherd somebody's gotta keep them in line
9) Avenging Fury
-Unfortunately, I'm overqualified
8) Bookend-alas, I'm not a team player
7) Peter Gabriel's hair dryer-is a comment here really necessary?
6) Official Dog Petter-Don't have time to cuddle Cuddles? Pay me!
5) Executive Washroom Pointer To-I'm DAMN good at finding out where to pee.
4)Messiah-Only two problems: I'm not Jewish (that I know of) and my gospel is "Figure it out your own friggin' self!"
3)Shadowfax, Gandolf's horse-now how cool would that be? Not many horses in Middle Earth have to pay rent.
2)Rainbow designer-why just 7 colors? Why not a paisly rainbow?
1)God-hell, I couldn't do any worse than the current bugger.

The Rock So Big God Can't Push

Hey, ho. I'm not blogging daily anymore because I'm trying to learn computerese to be more "hireable". Right now, I'm brushing up on Microsoft XP & trying to learn some HTML (Hell Twisted My Lugnut).

Now I know why God created people-- so someone could set up His blog page.

The Tiger

I wrote this when I was about 8. Possible William Blake influence, but at that age I kinda doubt it:

The tiger is a ferocious jungle cat.
Like the lion, a lot meaner than that.
Stripes are black. Can't fit in a sack.
And that is that is the tiger.


And I'm not sure my poetry has improved any in nearly 30 years. Why my Mom saved this, only God knows.

Take Off That Cross

Walking through the parking lot
of the church my family went to without reason
I overheard this between a pastor and a believer
and it made me slow a step-
"There is a Jesus figure on that crucifix
around your neck."
"Why, yes. Is there anything wrong?"
"Wrong? That's a symbol for Catholics. What's worse..."
(Here he quoted chapter and verse)
"So all along that crucifix
there must be nothing but the crucifix."
"But this is an heirloom.
It's the only crucifix I have."
"No Born-Again Christian would walk around
with a crucifix like that."

I remember that theological exchange
held just outside my vocal range.
I'm not a Christian now- but I can't deny
that someone named Jesus really did die.
And as he, hated and dying, nailed to that tree
I doubt he was caring a fig about jewelry.

Foot Foot Has Been Touched By God

You see, FootFoot the guinea pig has epilepsy
In ancinet times she'd have a career in prophecy
For then those with fits
had been as seen as having been touched by God a bit

This thunderstorm of the brain
the seizures pouring down like rain
proves nothing can be the same
after the touch of God

The ancients knew that God can drive you crazy
Making a hurricane in your brain
And so Foot Foot lies on her back, thrashing
telling God to go away

and leave her alone
to nibble hay

How The Name Was Nicked

Why rraven, anyway? And yes, that's two 'r's, not an 'm'. Here's the answer for those who never really wanted to know:

Way back in the mid '90's, when I first went online, I soon discovered the Peter Gabriel Chat Room. Since I was learning alot about ravens and crows, I logged in as Raven. Turns out, there already was a Raven in there, who promptly chastised me and said I had to get another name. So, I logged out and logged back in as rraven.

And I've been annoying people ever since.

World's Worst St. Pat Joke

When I lived in England, I heard an actual Irishman, Henry Kelly, tell this on the radio. So, blame him, not me--

Q: What did St. Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland?

A: "Are ye all right in the back there, boys?"

Yeah, I'd better stick to my day job. Well, I would if I had one...

The Best Advice

Man, there is nothing like being a 36 year old living with Mom to get unsolicited advice flung your way. From Mom, Mom's friends, Mom's shrink, the shrink's friends, what have you. One of the really ethical Rules of the World in Satanism is that Satanists "do not give opinions or advice unless asked". I'm not entirely sure what a Satanist would give me as career advice, but I'm not about to ask.

All that being said, I actually got one brilliant nugget not from a college professor or pastor, but from my little ol' Dad. One day when I was about 8 or nine doing homework, he told me in a very serious voice:

"Never tee off in a tiled bathroom."

And he were right, by gum.

Will Work For Money

As of this morning, I am no longer employed in the retail industry. Now, there's got to be some job out there in the Philly area that uses my best skills:

*Owning the world's most useless college degrees (liberal Arts & English)

*Tea drinking

*Book reading

*Can smile pleasantly

*Can say "Uh-huh," convincingly.

And as soon as I find this job, I'll be sure to not let anyone know.

Canonization Fodder

I've been reading biographies of Saints. I highly recommend them. But there's only so many Saints, and I love reading about them. So I need more Saints to read about. My inevitable suggestions--

*Mother Teresa:Duh

*My Mother: She still loves me even though I ignored her advice for 30 years.
That's a miracle!

*Your Mother:Ditto.

*Sting: now that would be really cool considering he's not even Christian, let alone Catholic. What is this monopoly Catholics have on sainthood? Open up those doors, I say! Isn't Jesus supposed to love everyone? Why not have a Feast Day for St. Sting, patron saint of Those Who Can't Shake a Nickname?

*Gomarchingin:Patron Saint of bloggers who can't resist a cheap joke.

*Greyfriar's Bobby: Peter & Paul have squat in the faithfulness department compared to this Skye Terrier, who stayed faithfully by his master all of his life, including his last 14 years at his master's grave. Christians wait hopefully for the return of their Master, so what better teacher than this little dog?

A Little Lower Than Angels

I've been reading that there is a controversy as to who started agriculture--women or men?

Hogwash. It was neither. Anyone who's ever seen a nature documentary knows that agriculture was invented by ants and termites.

Now, most spiritual belifes claim that after we die, we evolove into a higher form that pretty much has it all figured out. Ants and termites have already figured out their precise work in life and seem pretty content. So could heaven not be over our heads but under our feet?

The Truth Is Here & It Ain't That Impressive

Did Jesus exist and was He God? Apparantly, yes to both. How can I type that? Read on--

About 700 AD, in the Church of St. Legontian in Lanciano, Italy, a monk performed mass. That's not so impressive in and of itself, but something happened as the monk was blessing the bread and the wine for communion. You remember Catholic communion. There's that funky word "transubstantiation" where the bread and wine are supposed to really become the body and blood of Jesus (based on The Last Supper). There was quite a big argument about transubstantiation in 700 AD, let me tell ya. So, anyway, in this case the bread actually did turn into a slice of human heart and the wine into type AB blood. They never rotted and can be seen to this day. Type AB blood, by the way, is very rare in Italy but in 14-15% of the population of Palestine.

OK, let's take it for red that this isn't a hoax that's lasted for 1200 years and really honestly happened. So what does this tell us about God? That He's got a screwy sense of priorities. Choice of any miracle and He picks this. Forget about world peace, raining chocolate from the sky or any trivialities like that. No, no. For proof of His existence, He turns useful food into raw offal that you can't get rid of. Not only gross, but impalatable.

And, after 1200 years of this proof, has it really changed the price of beans any? Nope.

So I belive God exists. And He's apparantly a Stephen King fan. Either than that, I can't say I'm too impressed.

Good Lord, Here's Another One

Why write a blog? Well, why are you reading blogs? There ya go. In the course of this blog, we'll cover a lot of topics, but these will be the ones that will in no way appear anywhere else in this blog. Forewarned is forearmed:

• Auto Racing -- I used to love Speed Racer as a kid. Imagine my disappointment when I saw an actual car race.
• Politics
• -- Say I actually did have the answer for all political problems. I could type 'til the Lib Dems come home and it still wouldn't change a darn thing, so what's the point?
• How To Remantle A Dismantled Atomic Bomb-- although it would make a good album title for a U2 cover band.

Now that's as clear as mud, let us pause in our breathless excitement at the birth of yet another blog to catch our breaths. 'Til next time.