New Hymns

We need a new hymn. One that does what it should. One that doesn't make you feel too bad--one that doesn't make you feel too good. Hymns for everyone, especially for readers of this blog. So here we go:

• All God's Critters Got A Place In The Choir. So you've no excuse not to sing, dammit.


• Oh Lord It's Hard To Be Humble. Because God needs a wake up call.


• Mercedes Benz". "cause really, that's what church is all about.


• God's Song. God, I'd love to hear my old church belt this one out.


• Dear God. Let's not exclude the atheists. God love ya!


• Red Rain. Hell, I don't know what it's about, either, so perhaps it's hymn in code.

The Satanic Blog Post

I'm trying to learn about Islam, which I may have mentioned earlier (I dunno--I should actually read back my posts. ANYWAY)Muslims are the new enemies of America, apparantly, just as the Commies were. The Commies were inhuman, remember? Well, as we were wrong then, I've got a feeling non-Muslims are wrong about Muslims. I've got a funny feeling they are human beings, too. Heck, I think even Arabian horses are Muslim. And Arabians are just too pretty to hate. Heck, there's more Arabians in America than in all of the Arabian Penninsula.

So every now and then I try to learn about Muhommed, the guy who started all the fuss. My apologies if I'm not spelling his name right-I've found several "correct" spellings.

I've discovered Muhommed lived in an era of warlords, heard transmissions from space and talked a lot about honor.

Then it hit me....

Muhommed was a Klingon!

Now the Federation and the Klingons became allies in the Star Tek Universe--and they were literally worlds apart. Klingons are cool. A little intense, but cool. You want a Klingon on your side. So why can't non-Muslims get it together with Muslims? All those at the UN and in politics should watch Star Trek. That'll take care of it. Then we can all become allies in time to fight global warming, but maybe that's just not logical enough for us.

My So-Called Past Life

That's the big question, isn't it? What happens to us after we die? I do believe in reincarnation--but I don't believe in it too much. Recycling seems to be a universal component (along with hydrogen & stupidity, according to Einstein). The beginning of this universe, the legendary Big Band was, according to my theory, what happened when the Old Band of the first universe tried to do a cover version of Peter Gabriel. The fact that Peter didn't exist yet, let alone write his music, created that point of non-logical singularity that made the Old Universe Big Band go kerflooey.

(See what happens when I go through caffine withdraw? Blame the green tea!)

Everything gets recycled--what goes around comes around. It's all the same energy in different forms. The universe was created just so the Old Universe Big Band could explode. Simple concept. Work it out.

So souls are recylced. And in my previous life I am absolutely convinced that I used to be a hamster who spent a lot of time running on that little wheel.

But I don't let the knowledge of my past hamsterism rule my current life. Although I've been known to stuff my cheeks pouches on occassion, I'm not into seeds. However, if we all were at least as nice as a hamster, or at least as photogenic, the universe would be a much cuter place.

Gotta Cut Back On the Caffiene

Last night, while trying to read a Carlos Casteneda book (I've read two now and don't understand a damn word) I had a sudden illumination into what the soul is:

A book.

But here's the deal--the book is the universe, and everyone (animal, vegatable or mineral)gets to write one line of the book of your soul. Everyone is then connected--like stars in the galaxy, like drops of water in the ocean--yet everyone effects what you do and you effect what everyone else does. There is only one soul, then, but we are all cells in the great Excel spreadsheet of Infinity.

Then I had the illumination that this all just might be a load of crap, so I had a chamomile tea instead.

Om, Squat!

Does Deity exist? Although I respect all views, I think the answer is yes. Why? S/He just has a damn twisted sense of humor. (My blog-my rules: Proof of God/dess' exisience requires proof of taking the mickey with you)

I've trained my dog to pee or poo on command. She still does a good kangaroo imitaion, she doesn't come when called, but she will pee or poo within 2 minutes of the command:

"Gotta squat?"

My vet thinks this is nothing short of miraculous (especially when samples need to be taken). Yesterday, my pup was 22 months old. That's why I couldn't go online--too much puppy partying, which we do every month on the 13th, thank you. However, I have discovered that there is a Goddess known as Squat, Goddess of Parking Spaces. Well, the recitation of Her name sure helps Pony know where to park it.

Amazing things that can be realized looking at a dog's butt, especially if you're unemployed!

The Gospel According To Star Trek

Hey, Blogger's working. Time to post the previously promised essay about all the wisdom I've learned from Star Trek while growing up. We've already learned how to deal with a flasher (see 6/3/06 post down the page). More practical bits of wisdom:

• Whenever you're caught doing something stupid in public, grin and say, "I guess that wasn't exactly something that King Solomon would recommend."(from Captain Kirk in that episode about the planet of the criminally insane)


• Shakespeare will still be hot in the futre


• Mongrels are best


• Break the Prime Directive for a good cause


• Gods can die, or at least fade away, but they definately have no use for a starship


• "Logic is a beautiful flower which smells bad"

I've never actually read the book All I Needed To Know I Learned From Star Trek, so any similarities here is a not-so-remarkable coincidence.

Wanted: Satan

Well, now that Zarwhatshisface is dead, we need to find someone else to unite us all in hate. Learn how to hate correctly, as Bobcat Goldwaithe said. Think of it: Global Peace Thru Hate! Now we just need someone that all peoples can agree to hate, and it'll be a small world after all. May I put forth some suggestions?

• My ex (see previous posts)


• The Geico Gecko (Beezebub, eat your heart out)


• Super Cockroach. (Do you really want to click this link?)


• God/dess (After all, S/He started the whole damn mess!)

Murphy's Deism

Well, the world didn't end yesterday and I am disappointed. I was looking foreward to the show. Murphy's Law, ennit? (Or Sod's Law for the UK readers.)

When I realized Protestant Christianity wasn't for me, I devised what I called Murphy's Deism as the core part of my sprituality. I came up with the term in the late 1980's, but neglected to copyright it. Sod's law, ennit? Anyway, herein readesth the law:

"The world was put in motion by a Prime Mover Who laughs Its Arse off whenever something that can go wrong, does."

Dismissed. Next soddin' case tomorrer...

Apocolypse, Anyone?

Apparantly, the world is ending tomorrow (6/6/06) because those promoting the movie The Omen say so. People are buying it. Quite frankly, I'd love the world to end tomorrow--it saves me the trouble of trying to find a job. Of course, the Mark of the Beast is "666", not "6/6/06". Close enough, say the paranoid.

I tell you right now, the son of Satan is alive and disgustingly well in England, and has been so for over fifty years. Is it any coincidence that in the years he's been alive there has been AIDS, killer bees and pay toilets? I think not! He's my ex. Don't be fooled by the lack of a 666 mark on his head. He had it changed to look like 665.

A happier subject tomorrow...providing there IS one.

Plea to Those Writing About New Age

Can we all decide to change the name "New Age"? It's been around for what, 20 or 30 years now--that's at least 270 in dog years. In comparison to the age of the universe, I guess it is "new", but the average reader is a bit sick and tired of "New" Age. Even "Well, we're getting there" Age is probably more accurate, but a pain in the petutie to type.

Now, what falls under the heading "New Age" is all the leftover bits and pieces from every other religion or Fox-TV series...since dirt, really. It's in no way an organized religion. It's not even an organized strong hunch. Not all New Agers belive in Shirley McClaine, channeling and/or aliens trying to communicate through crop circles. Then again, not all New Agers like to be called New Age. I've been called everything under the sun, but I'm bored with the New Age label. If you're gonna label me, can I be the one to write the label?

Here are some new label suggestions:

• What's Old Is New Age


• Non-Sporting Group In the UK, it would be Non-Utlity Group.


• Leftovers


• Rena. Hey, it works for me!

For Friends Not There

And now, Gentle Readers, let us pause to light a candle and remember the somber passing of your friend and mine....

Star Trek.

Yes, it was on June 3rd, 1969 that the final episode of the classic Star Trek series, "Turnabout Intruder" aired. My brother's birthday is June 2. He was four or five years old in 1969. Coincidence?!?!?

All kidding aside, Star Trek remains one of the best teachers I've ever come across. It was, and still is, one of the few works of art that actually has hope for the human race. I learned far more about life, the universe and everything (sorry Douglas Adams, wherever you are)than I ever did at church.

Take the time I was followed in the woods by a flasher. I didn't want him following me home. Makes trying to put the kettle on quite awkward. He was almost half my age, and possibly much stronger than me. There was no one around to hear me scream if I had to do so. Did I turn the other cheek? Think posisitve thoughts? Call on my guardian angel? No, I said:

You may find that having a thing is not so pleasing as wanting it

His face fell, as did everything else, and he apologised to me, then left.

I walked home wondering how something so good popped out of my mouth. Then it hit me...

I'd been saved by Mr. Spock! It's more or less from the episode "Amok Time"(you know--the one where Spock goes into heat?)

...which was given to me when it came out on video as a present from my brother of the June 2 b-day. Coincidence?

More on the spiritual signifigance of Star Trek in future blog episodes...