Friday, August 02, 2013

I'm Sick of Being a Woman

I'm 43.  That's a long time to be a woman.  I could use a change.  And not the change that my body is currently going through and will probably go through for the next 30 years or until I drop dead, whichever comes first. 

Menopause is absolutely hammering me.  I'm exhausted, I have more headaches than ever, I barely sleep, I have hot flashes (and there's nothing like having a hot flash during a heat wave to make you wish you were a man) my appetite has vanished but my libido has made a scary reappearance after a long absence.

It's like my body is a terrorist to my mind.  I never know when the next explosion is going to happen. 

So I want to be man.  A gay man.  Not that I can afford sex change surgery and I don't want to sleep with women, but perhaps I can pretend to be a 50-year-old man. Specifically, Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes. (Yes, I know Brett was bisexual and not gay, but I really don't advise you arguing with me at this point.) Brett's Holmes is "the dark side of the moon" (as Brett himself described Holmes) but at least he doesn't have to worry about hot flashes.

I've already chopped my long unruly hair off and slick it back with hair gel like in the photo of Brett's Holmes here.  I've started sipping wine since Holmes drinks occasionally.  I'm gradually losing weight to appear more angular, as I did when I was in my 30s.  Hey, it's a start.  Next I need to work on the voice.  Hell -- I might even take up pipe smoking (although it won't be tobacco I'd be smoking.)

I mean, just LOOK at him and LISTEN to him in the video clip below.  Old age would be a lot more exciting if one day you woke up and transformed into this:

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