Saturday, July 27, 2013

Top 10 Reasons Why I Want to Grow Up to be Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes

At the age of 43, I have finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.  At first I wanted to be Doctor Who and then Doctor Who's crankier sister, but that never worked out (especially when they started casting Doctors half my freaking age.  That and my acting career tanked before it ever got started).  Then I wanted to be Peter Gabriel, but he does such a good job at it that the world would be best off if he kept at it.

Now -- I finally FINALLY know what I want to be:  Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes.  I don't want to be Jeremy Brett (who sadly died at the age of 59 in 1995) and I'm not smart enough to be Sherlock Holmes so I won't even try.  But being Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes -- well that's another creature entirely.  Here are my top 10 reasons why:

Ten: Cool Outfits

I mean, come on, just look at them!  Although the suits Mads Mikkelsen wears in Hannibal are pretty drool-worthy, men's fashion peaked in the Victorian age. Watches on gold chains! Walking sticks! Tucked in shirts!

 I also can never get my hair right.  Ever.  If I was Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes, all I'd need to do is slick back my hair with gel and stick on a top hat. 

Nine: I'd Get to Watch My Best Friend Sleep as Much as I'd Like

Case in point, this scene from "The Speckled Band" (first aired 1984.)

Eight: I'd Stop Swearing So Much

I admit that one of my many character flaws is a propensity to swear.  I even swear in my dreams.  Brett's Holmes has a great way of putting people in their place without swearing.  For example, when he wants someone to leave, he dryly remarks, "Please vanish."  He even does this to Watson and is able to get away with it.  When he's absolutely furious, he snorts like a pig.

Seven: I Could Roll My R's Without Anyone Staring at Me

And really, isn't this what we all want out of life?

Six: I'd Get to Ride or Drive Some Pretty Horses

And really, isn't this what we all want out of life?  Well, that and rolling your R's.

Five: I'd Have My Own Pet Watson

Dr. Watson fills many personal holes in Holmes' life.  He's a companion, a physician, a confidant, a dynamite publicity agent, fellow smoker and someone to bully around without actually being harmful.

Although there has been many speculations that Watson was also Holmes' secret lover, I don't subscribe to the theory because Holmes shied away from sex or personal affection.  In Doyle's stories and in Brett's interpretation, Holmes never fell in love with anyone other than himself.

Four: Those Cool Pipes

I'm not a smoker.  I don't advocate smoking.  Brett reportedly smoked about 60 cigarettes a day (which contributed to his tragically early death.)  But DAMN, look at those pipes!  They give your hands something to do when you really want to smack someone across the mouth.  During filming the series, one of Brett's pipes was stolen from the hotel he stayed at.

Three: That Voice

A lot of misery in my life could be erased if, one day, I suddenly woke up with Jeremy Brett's voice.  Imagine going to the post office and asking for a book of stamps using this voice.

Two: That Gaze

You could even stare a cat down with that gaze.

And the number one reason why I want to be Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes:

One: Getting Watson to Smile at My Evil Laugh

You can't put a price on that.

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