Suicide Bomber Roll Call

There certainly seems to be a lot of suicide bombers out there. I guess, theoretically, they'll eventually all blow themselves up and that'll be the end of them.

But until then, why don't we do the same thing? Hey if something ain't broke, why fix it, eh? We could gather up people in our society no one would miss, tell them they have the only chance they ever will get to be a hero, load them up for bear (except we tell them it's surveliance equipment -- heck, we could even knock them out and stick a nitroclycerin suppository up 'em), parachute their asses into some group that needs blowing up...terriorst training camps...death squads in Darfur...the Eurovision song contest...and then when they're in, push a button and blow the whole kittenkaboodle to dust. We get rid of two problems at once, then.

So who should these heroes be? Glad you asked:

• O.J. Simpson: We all should love our enemies. What better way by blowing them up in the cause of freedom?

Pat Robertson: Let's see if God will raise enough money to save him this time.

• The night manager at Lancaster Kmart who shot me with a BB gun trying to kill a small brown bird nesting in the artificial Christmas trees. 'Nuff said


• My ex: He'd do it for a beer. I wish I was kidding.


• The Geicko Gecko: This creature is the AntiChrist. There's a 666 somewhere on his head. Let's save the world by blowing up this thing.